What if marriage was not to make you happy but to make you Holy?

The fact that simply quoting “holiness” is not seeing marriage for all that God has intended, it was that very quote “Marriage is meant to make you holy, not happy” that got me through a very dark period during the first 2 years into marriage. I was not happy. I was hurt, angry, felt deceived, trapped, you name it. If I could have left and supported myself and the children, I just might have done that.

Every day I told myself that God was going to use this season to mold me into the woman he wanted me to be. He was shaping me into the wife that He wanted me to be. That was really all I had to hold on to. God wanted me to take my eyes off of my husband’s shortcomings and focus on HIM who could carry me through and meet my every need. HE wanted to be my delight and my joy.

Clearly had I lost sight of what marriage was and saw it was all about “me me me!” and “you just don’t make me happy anymore”. wah! wasn’t I selfish! We can’t find lasting happiness by seeking it for its own sake. Seeking happiness directly will find you selfishly seeking only your own pleasure all the time and it will be illusive because we weren’t made to be selfish and to seek only our own pleasure. True happiness is a by-product of purpose!

Over the course of our marriage, my husband and I have realized how important it is to keep Christ at the center of our marriage. If we’re close to Christ, our marriage is stronger as a result. When we don’t nurture that primary relationship (us and God), our relationship as husband and wife suffers.

With the above triangle we see God is at the top point and the Husband and Wife are the two bottom points. The illustration is this: The closer the husband and wife are to God, the closer they are to each other and develop more attributes that are essential for their marriage to last for years. These characteristics include respect, forgiveness, repentance, love, and compassion. If we move closer to God individually, we move closer to each other. The further we are away from God (the bottom points of the triangle) the further we are from each other.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 reminds us; “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” We are stronger together, as husband and wife. But we are at our strongest when we are interwoven with Christ. We learnt this truth in our 3rd year of marriage after fighting with each other in the first 2 years. We realized how misplaced our focus was -on each other -especially our flaws- and not on God. We prayed that God would help us die to our own agendas of selfishness and live solely for Him. We didn’t expect immediate selflessness—it’s a life-long process—but we did immediately feel the significance of our commitment to the Lord and to each other.

It sounds simple enough, in theory. But life enters the equation. We get busy with our careers and we distract ourselves with less than edifying things. The drift away from our Lord and Savior is usually slow and insidious. Too subtle to even notice at first. Then the bickering starts “you don’t love me anyomore“, the ungrateful attitudes “is that the best you could do?” , the angry words “I wish I never married you“, the silent treatment and hurt feelings.

Unforgiveness. Discontent. Temptation. And we wonder, “How did this happen? How am I so far from my husband?” “How am I so far from God?” The drift is usually passive. Keeping Christ at the center of your marriage has to be an active choice. It’s a daily commitment to die to self and strive to become more like Him in every way.

So what does this look like in day to day life? Here are some practical ways for you and your spouse to keep Christ at the center of your marriage that Mi-amore and I have practiced and still striving to achieve;

Pray together and for each other.
Make time for this one, Mi-amore and I have dedicated every Tuesday night no matter what, to have our couple devotion. We use the You Version Bible app, it has many couple devotion plans. With this practice I have learnt that as you open your hearts to the Lord together, you discover an ever deeper intimacy with your spouse.
I have also found the book “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian to be really helpful in learning how to pray for my husband. She has a chapter dedicated to each of the different areas of marriage, from temptation, his priorities, to his health. Some days, I pray through the entire book in one sitting. Other days, I choose one or two prayers that seem the most pressing. I’ve also asked my husband which areas he would like me to pray for and then I focus on those. Stormie’s book has helped me to become much more purposeful in my prayer life for my husband.

Also, for your husband, you can buy him “The Power of a Praying Husband”, I got Mi-amore his copy as a Christmas gift… hint hint Christmas is around the corner.

Study the Bible Together
Make time each day to read a verse or a chapter in the Bible together. And don’t just read it and move on. Talk about it. What did you learn from it? How does it impact your lives? What can you do differently as a result of what you read? If you have kids, let them see you studying the Word together, just the two of you. And then be sure to do this with them as well. Make Bible study a normal part of family time. We purpose to do this daily.

Find a Church and Get Rooted in Community
Find a church and make it your home and get involved together! If they have groups that meet in homes -like ours we call them Life Groups-, join one. Learn what it’s like to “do life” with other Christians on a regular basis. Find prayer and accountability partners. Find a mentor couple who will not take sides when you can’t agree on an issue and to act as your referees. Mi-amore and I can attest to the success of having a mentor couple, ours are a gift sent straight from heaven. God bless you Mr & Mrs N we love you guys!

Serve Together
Mi-amore and I are very passionate about marriage and family. Having done Ndoa and seen how it helped us prepare for marriage, we felt serving in the family ministries was our way of giving back to society. We serve in Ndoa as facilitators to couples who are dating, engaged and planning a wedding. We also serve in Lea where we help facilitate couples who want to raise Godly offspring, I must say this has been such an amazing and a transformational experience for us.

We have seen how serving together allows you to demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), show Christ-like love to others, and to bond together as you glorify Him and I must say this has really made us be intentional in making our marriage work and be hands on in raising our children. Serving together has really kept us in check because we have to practice what we preach.

Be Intentional
You cannot just sit by and hope that Christ will remain at the center of your marriage. As we live in a fallen world, our natural tendency is towards sin. Left to our own devices that’s where we will end up every single time. You must actively fight against this if you want to remain close to God and your spouse. None of these things are going to happen on their own.
If you think you don’t have time to do these things, consider the amount of time you spend each day on social media, or texting your friends, or watching TV. Think about the amount of time spent dealing with the problems in your marriage that result from drifting away from Christ. How much better would it be to invest that time in developing a strong, abiding relationship with Him?

In today’s world we charge our cell phones daily, but let our marriages die. If your smart phone receives more daily charging than your spouse, then you are spending way too much time talking to the wrong people… it saddens my heart to see marriages ending without couples putting in the work, commitment and effort they put in their 8am-5pm -at times even late nights and weekends- at their places of work at the expense of family/spouse time…what happened to “Till death do us part?” we need to take the vows and the covenant we made to our spouse and God seriously.

The truth is, we make time for what’s important to us. Make a commitment to actively keep Christ at the center of your marriage every single day! Mi-amore and I are not there yet but we have mutually agreed to be intentional in all that we do and the D word (Divorce) is not an option.

Done God’s way, it can truly be a picture of heaven on earth.