How Do You "Mind the Gap?"

I spent four very enjoyable days in London recently - two doing high-quality work with a wonderful client, and two as a rock 'n' roll tourist (my special tour of the inside of Abbey Road Studios is another story).

I rode in the square-ish black cabs, in a Tesla via Uber, on top of a double-decker bus, and on the Underground, or "Tube" as the locals call their subway.

Of course, you simply can't be a passenger on the Tube without the ubiquitous "Mind the Gap" message. It's below you on the ground - facing both directions - as well as posted signs, and at each stop where it is relevant a voice (with a lovely British accent, of course) comes on to remind you to mind the gap.

The gap, of course, is the space between the train and the platform. In some cases it is narrow, but in others putting your foot in the gap could result in serious injury. I'm sure for the locals it's automatic, but for others it is a way to look out for ourselves (just like at some intersections "Look Left" or "Look Right" is painted on the pavement since those of us who don't drive on the left instinctively look in the wrong direction).

Of course, "Mind the Gap" has been used as a metaphor in many other articles, references, and memes, however my interest here is how one minds the gap.

My first thought is in the realm of personal growth and integration. The "gap" can be a lack of knowledge or awareness, because we are constantly learning. An interesting aspect of a mental gap is what we call "cognitive dissonance." This is where we hold two simultaneously opposing concepts. As someone with adult-onset Type 2 diabetes, buying a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia is a plan to satisfy my taste buds in a major way while ignoring the fact that it will spike my blood glucose levels through the roof. If I give in to temptation I'm basically saying "screw the gap!"

A more pernicious gap we know as denial. The information is available to us, but for reasons of ego, insecurity, or lack of vulnerability we wall off the situation so that we don't have to deal with uncomfortable feelings. All of us have done this at some point.

In my own personal and professional development I have found that looking into my own mirror-of-self frequently does not always provide a complete or accurate picture. This is because of old identifications, patterns, or defenses. Therefore I need to have a cohort of trusted friends, colleagues, coaches, and counselors who will compassionately show me what I am unable to see for myself.

A gifted guide that I am currently working with has an uncanny ability to ask me questions that come from her intuition about my gaps. As the poet (and one of my mentors) David Whyte writes:

. . . you come to a place whose only task

is to trouble you with tiny but frightening requests

conceived out of nowhere

but in this place beginning to lead everywhere.

Requests to stop what you are doing right now,

and to stop what you are becoming while you do it,

questions that can make or unmake a life,

questions that have patiently waited for you,

questions that have no right to go away.

(From "Sometimes")

I would much rather engage with someone who is asking me the questions "that have no right to go away" than attempting to provide me with answers.

In the professional realm, I often work with my clients to introduce a model I call "The Listening Tour." This is usually when I am aware that a leader with some hierarchical power is perceived by others in the system as having a gap between how they see themselves and how they're seen by others.

You can think of it as a self-powered 360. The technique is to approach your co-workers at all levels - direct reports, peers, and supervisors/owners, with the following opening parameters:

"Thanks for taking the time to talk with me. In order for me to advance my own personal and professional growth, I'm seeking honest and courageous feedback about your experience of working with me. My pledge to you is that I will listen carefully, without interruption, defensiveness, or reactivity. I also promise that there will be no negative residue from your sharing. I will summarize what you have said to see if I've captured things accurately. I appreciate your willingness to help me see what I don't see."

Now, some folks will not believe this statement, especially if they've experienced you as somewhat dismissive, arrogant, or egotistic. And, it may take some time for them to realize and accept that you really are interested in what they have to say.

While they may have their own biases, distortions, or assumptions about who you are and how you behave, inevitably there will be nuggets of gold for you in their perceptions.

Over time (and I've been working at this for quite some time) the gaps become smaller, are more readily seen in the moment, and have minimal impact. You don't have to take a trip to London to be reminded to "mind the gap."