Hello! My name is T. P. Finnerty. The "T" stands for Thornton and the "P" stands for Placido and I am the person who found that painting by Hieronymus Bosch that you may have heard about in the news. I'm not an expert on paintings, but it is a pretty wild one—about sixty feet wide and two feet high, sort of like a comic strip, but just one panel. I have no clue what it's about. Maybe someone who collects this kind of thing will buy it. Or at least tell me what's going on in it, because I don't see how it makes any sense.
Oh, I found it in my basement. My dad left me this house in his will. It's huge! He was a Wall Street business guy. He died when his Jet Ski fell out of his helicopter onto his oil rig.
The painting is of hundreds of characters and they're all in a mountain or maybe on the moon or something like that. Everything is on fire and there are some parts where the fire is on fire, if that's a thing. The art is really amazing, I will say that much. Hieronymus Bosch was a heck of a painter. He must have taken years to do this painting. If you're interested, I'll tell you about some of the crazy things in it.
**Guy with a Bowl for a Head
** He's pretty funny. Most things in this painting are not funny; they are horrible. But it's funny to see someone sitting down, with a bowl for a head.
**Woman in Barrel Falling Off a Tongue onto Enormous Spikes
** I don't know what it means. But she is definitely going to be dead.
**Octopus with a Hundred Legs
** There is an octopus running down a hillside with a hundred legs. It is on fire but I don't think it cares.
**Guy with His Thing Caught in a Keyhole and His Finger Stuck in a Wolf's Mouth
** This guy, I don't know what his deal is. I can't tell what is the deal with him at all.
**Cave Going to the Toilet on a Cat
** The cave has human parts, I'll put it that way.
**Spoon Demon
** In the middle of the painting, there is a giant demon that's crushing people with a spoon. There's even lava spewing out of the top of its head!
**People with Wings on Their Faces and Roots Growing out of Their Mouths
** That's the best description I can give.
**A Big Eye with a Haircut
** Its gaze follows me around the room, but I keep looking at the haircut, not the eye. This is a haircut that nobody would ever have nowadays. It's by far the weirdest haircut I have ever seen!
**Head of the Guy with a Bowl for a Head
** I forgot about this. His original head is about twenty feet away, being kicked around by a frog that has flamingo legs.
**Three Fishermen Boiling in Blood in a Skeleton's Goblet
** This bit is not nice. Two of them have no face anymore. The skeleton is stirring the blood with a fishing rod, or maybe trying to fish the fishermen out? But if so there's not much point, because I think they're dead.
**Four Brothers with Matching Scissors Through Their Middles
** This one is really bad. There's a rabbit making them dance, with a whip. I keep thinking about them dancing and the scissors jiggling around in their guts. That is why I sleep with the light on, since last month.
Cheese Wheel Pouring a Load of Coins Into a Grandmother's Mouth
My dad used to have a pile of coins like this. Gold, I think. He glued them together and used them as a javelin one time. The javelin hit a dog. Dad told the owner to keep the javelin, and I think that was the end of that.
**Guy Being Swallowed by Trousers Monster
** I think it's a guy. You can only see the legs.
