Personal accounts of living with enduring anorexia
The following are excerpts from a number of ‘life stories’ written by people who have or are experiencing long term anorexia. They were asked to think about how they experience anorexia now, and what they wish they have known at the start of their anorexia.
“Anorexia is a surprisingly powerful mental illness. It deceives you into believing that you are in control. It’s only when you decide you’ve had enough of being in control, that your hunger and your actions slightly scare you, that you realise it’s not actually you that’s in charge any more. It’s terrifying when you realise that if you don’t fight hard enough against it, this illness may lead you into hospital against your will, or it may end your life.”
“So what I wish I could have said to the younger me is … don’t blame yourself for being sad. Don’t take it out on your body. Don’t open the door to this life-changing illness, it won’t ever help you. Instead, talk to someone you trust. You’d be surprised how many other people put on a front of happiness, success or control when they’re at school or university. It’s only when you get older you realise everyone gets unhappy sometimes, and that’s alright. Don’t let anorexia get a hold of you – life is too short and precious.”
“Take it from me, I doubt that you will reach the ripe old age of 55 and say to yourself “Life would have been so much better if only I had been a size 8”. Much more likely to wish your body was stronger so that you could enjoy climbing mountains, Zumba dancing or ice-hockey, or had been able to build closer relationships with family and friends, or had back-packed through Europe or even India!”
“My eating disorder is like a second shadow, it is with me everyday albeit some days it shows more than others. Like a shadow there are times when it is very small and I can “ignore” it but at other times it seems too big and strong and in those moments I am often overpowered. The good news is that over the last few years especially I have weakened the grasp it has on my life so that I “win” more days now than I ever have previously.”
“It isn’t a game. I have done an enormous amount of damage to my body: I was diagnosed with osteoporosis, my teeth are in a poor condition with one having to be removed all together and another well on its way and most saddening of all I am unsure whether I will be able to have children as I have never had a natural period. It is also most certainly not a game for those that surround me. They have had to watch me gradually starve myself and fight both with them and myself on numerous occasions. If nothing else I wish I could have stopped my eating disorder all those many years ago to save them from the pain I have caused them. All I can do is continue to fight every day so that maybe in another 25 years I will no longer have to battle with this shadow and I will be free.”
“If I had known then, what I know now; the endless pain, ill health, exhaustion, the sadness and emptiness, the hurt and the tears I put myself and my loved ones through, I would never had gone down the route that I initially thought would be so harmless. The route, I thought would make me a better person, thinner, attractive and happy. Little did I know, that within months, Anorexia would pretty much take over my life and characterise my being for years to follow. It came in ebbs and flows, so that to a large degree for many years, I simply appeared to be just a very skinny, yet functioning person. However, even today, at the age of 34 and on a path of good health and weight, I am still suffering from the after effects of this cruel, all encompassing and wicked illness; complex and at times crippling digestive disorders, osteoporosis, a lack of periods and further fertility issues.”